Lets get personal

I want to talk about something really personal to me. something I defiantly didn't think id be putting on the internet but its been 4 years and I really want to talk about it. I created this blog so that I could express whats on my mind and this has been on my mind quite a lot recently.

I got pregnant at the age of 14 ... it may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people because teenage pregnancy is so common now days but this was and still is a very hard thing to deal with.

I'm not going to go in to all the details but I'm thinking of writing a blog post about the relationship I had with the guy I was with at the time because it was an extremely unhealthy relationship that I think needs to talked about.

But for now I want to talk about the position I was in at the time. So as I said I was 14, very young in my opinion, I was in high school, I had a terrible boyfriend, I had no source of income but i did have an amazing and supportive family. I want to take a minuet to seriously appreciate my mother, although she was in shock when she found out I was pregnant she was truly amazing. she supported me no matter what. Think about it, if your 14 year old daughter came home saying she was pregnant with her 18 year old boyfriends baby you would hit the roof, at least I would anyway. She was honesty amazing and she will still sit and talk with me about it today if I need to.

After we found out that i was pregnant I had the week off school so I`d think about it and make the decision on whether to keep the baby or to have a termination. At the time I don't think I really took being pregnant very seriously, I was only 14, I was still a child myself. I remember my big sister coming home from work one day with a list that she has written up on her computer. it was a list of things i would have to do as mother ... it was a very long list. I know she was only trying to help me but at the time I felt like she was just listing all the bad things about being a mother and none of the good things but either way she was right, there was a lot of things on that list that I shouldn't have to do a 14 but I had an amazing family who would have helped me through it all.

I knew I had to make a decision so I did, this is the part I don't like to talk about because I feel like I will get judged, but in the end I know I made the right decision. I had a termination when I was 9 weeks pregnant. I came to this decision because ...

• I was 14, i couldn't even look after myself yet let alone another human being
• It   would have been a lot for my parents to deal with, they would have had to help me, support me financially, help look after a baby that i wouldn't have been able to look after 12/7
• it wouldn't have been fair for me to bring a child into the world that didn't have a mother and father that loved each other, I always pictured starting a family with the man that i loved and unfortunately this was not the case    
• I would have had to give up my childhood before I was ready to

When I was making the decision I had a list about as long as my arm  but these were the main points that led me to my decision. I understand that there may be a lot of people out there that don't agree with my decision and that fine, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I know that I made the right decision for me and what would have been a little baby, it wouldn't have been fair for me to bring a child into the world at that point in my life.

Although I still agree with the decision I made I still think about it a lot to this day, I wonder if it would have been a boy or girl, I wonder what they would be like, what they would look like and I wonder what my life would be like because I know for a fact it would be nothing like it is now, I probably wouldn't have met the man I am with, I might not have finished school or gone to college, I just think everything would be different.

Me and the man I am with now have thought about having a baby a few times, I know I'm only 19 and I'm still young but mentally I'm probably about 30, getting pregnant, even though I didn't keep it made me grow up a lot and I'm smart enough now to know when the right time to have a baby is and I know that now isn't the right time.I want to be mentally and physically healthy, I want to be in my own home and I want to be finacialy stable. I know that I'm with the man I'm going to start my family with, even my mum knows it, and mums are always right ;)

I may have only been pregnant for 9 weeks and I know I didn't get to keep my baby but it taught me a lot. it showed me what kind of man I want in my life, it taught me that no matter how much I want a little family, timing is everything and it showed me what an amazing family I have.

I will forever feel guilty and I will always be asking my self "what if I kept it?" but at the end of the day I know in my heart that I made the right decision.